


Ready Player One

by nekoshka, thewesterndoor



Series: Watford Otome [1]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Canonverse AU, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Crack, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Penny and Agatha don't know what they've got themselves into, Spell Failure, The Author Regrets Nothing, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Is Bad at Feelings, Video Game Mechanics, no voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-10-13 12:29:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17488070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nekoshka/pseuds/nekoshka, https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewesterndoor/pseuds/thewesterndoor
Summary: After Penny creates a spell to fix Simon's game console, it starts up with a new game.  A new game that seems to be set in a very accurate, very detailed version of Watford.  A game that lets someone play as any of the other students.Which student do Penny and Agatha choose for the inaugural run through of the game? Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch, of course.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by A Digital Twist in Fate by R-chan's candy on FF.net (it's a super funny Durarara!! fic). After sending me a link to it, nekoshka messaged me with the magical words "What if this was at Watford?"
> 
> We wrote this in a two day frenzy with the help of a lot of wine. Not sure when we'll be able to write the next chapter, but given how much fun we had I think it will be soon.

Agatha stared incredulously at Penny’s manic expression through the gap in the door.  Before she had time to ask what in Crowley’s name was going on, a hand reached forward, grasping her arm and dragging her inside the room.

“You weren’t seen, were you?” Penny asked, her eyes more than a little wild.

“Seen by who?”

Penny’s breath came out in a huff of frustration, and she rolled her eyes before turning back towards the chaos that was strewn across her desk.  Already she had snatched up a piece of paper and was mumbling to herself.

“Seen by who, Penny?  What are you doing?” Agatha said.

Penny looked up, her eyes narrowed behind the large frames of her glasses.

“By Simon, you numpty,” she said before her attention went back to the page.

Agatha wasn’t sure whether she should be offended or impressed that the normally cheerful Penny had snapped at her.  She walked closer, angling her head to try to get a look at whatever it was that had Penny so stirred up.

The page was covered in Penny’s neat writing, quotes and equations blurring together into a jumbled mess.  Agatha didn’t doubt there was some order to it--Penny always seemed to have some path that she was following--but from where she stood it was random chaos with only the words **Ready Player One** decipherable.

“You have ten minutes until I have to go to lacrosse practice; if you want my help, you better start telling me what in Merlin’s name you’re trying to do,” Agatha said.

With more care than the scruffy page deserved, Penny set the sheet of paper down on top of her bedspread--the only spot on her side of the room that wasn’t covered in clutter.  She finally turned her attention back to Agatha, one hand rising up to push her glasses up from where they had slid down her nose.

“It’s the May Bank Holiday, of course.”

Agatha wondered what alternate world she had wandered into.

“The May Bank Holiday?” she said carefully, trying to listen to the words as she spoke in case there was some spell she was missing.

Nope, they were as unmagical as you would expect, but Penny kept looking at her like they should mean something.

“Yeah, you know...the holiday in May…” Penny said slowly.

“I know what the day is, I just don’t know why it has you acting like one of those Normal shut-in types.  Please tell me this isn’t going to be some absurd theory about _Sherlock_. I thought you and Simon had moved past that.”

Penny’s glare intensified.  “Those theories were not absurd! Ugh, why do we even...I still can’t believe you never finished that season of _Lost_ I lent you!”

“It was boring! All they ever talked about was the hatch.”

“In the first season,” Penny said, her voice threaded through with exasperation.  She took a breath, shaking her head as if to pull her thoughts back on track. “The May holiday is when Simon and I have our day.”

“What?”

“You know, our friendship day.  He’s always with you at Christmas and at the group home for his birthday, so it’s our chance to do something together.”

Agatha knew it was small and petty of her to feel a surge of jealousy at Penny’s words.  She really shouldn’t care--she was pretty sure she _didn’t_ \--but there was something about being confronted with the fact that Simon and Penny had a closeness she could never hope to intrude on, no matter how long she dated Simon.

“Okay, so your ridiculous made up holiday.  Why did you need _me_ to come over?  You said it was urgent,” Agatha said waspishly.

“Well...I just...I’m trying to get his gift ready--”

“You started doing gifts?”

Penny shrugged.

“Sort of.  I do small stuff and Simon just promises not to talk about Baz for the whole day.”

“And he agrees to that?” Agatha said, each word dripping with incredulity.  The last date she and Simon had--if you could call going out to sit on the school lawn to do homework a date--he had spent the whole time complaining about Baz’s nighttime routine.  She’d had to sit through fifteen minutes of Simon explaining exactly how Baz laid out his clothes for the next day.

“Yeah, though he hasn’t been able to go a whole day yet…”

That sounded more about what Agatha would expect.

She lifted up her wrist to glance down at her watch.

“You’ve got five minutes now.  What do _I_ have to do with your gift?” Agatha said.

Penny’s eyes lit up and she bounced on the balls of her feet. Agatha half expected to see sparks snapping and popping off her.

“I finally figured out the perfect thing, and I couldn’t wait until the bank holiday to show someone.”

“So I’m just a convenient admirer?  Someone to ooh and ah over whatever you’ve devised?”

Penny didn’t even have the good grace to look apologetic, instead just shrugging.

“It’s just really good.  I’m thinking of using it as my senior project.  I spent two weeks straight going through every book I could think of; I had to get my mum to send me some stuff they didn’t have in the library.”  Penny’s excitement only continued to ratchet up with every word.

“You created a spell for him?  And all you’re getting out of it is Simon attempting to shut up about Baz?” Agatha said dubiously.  She loved Simon--she thought she did at least, most days--but that seemed like way too much effort.

Dashing over to the desk, Penny unearthed a Normal game console from the piles of detritus.  Carefully she set it in front of the small TV that she had smuggled into the dorm.

“I thought your gift was a spell…”

Penny nodded, her fingers trailing lovingly over the plastic case.

“Don’t you recognize this?  This is that game console Simon was going on about all last year.  He _loves_ this thing, and then when he and Baz got into that row during the spring term and he went off...you know how delicate Normal technology can be when it comes to magic--when it comes to _Simon’s_ magic.”

Everything was delicate when it came to Simon and his untamed magic, so far as Agatha was concerned.  Nothing fragile lasted long in his care, not that she could ever point that out to Penny.

“Okay, so you have a broken video game thing.  Hurry it up, you’ve got three minutes left.”

Penny sighed like Agatha was the most thick person she’d ever encountered, which seemed unreasonable considering this whole conversation was about Simon.  Charming, earnest, and fit Simon may be, but top of the class he was not.

“The spell is to fix it!  It took me ages, but I think I’ve found a spell that’ll get it working again!” Penny crowed.

Agatha nodded, deciding to humour Penny.

“Alright.  Cool. Let’s see it.”

“What? Now?”

“Yeah, let’s give it a go.  No time like the present.”

Penny nodded, smoothing her hands along her waist.

“Okay, yeah.  We could even try playing one of the games--make sure it works,” she said.

Again Agatha nodded.

“Sure.  You get the spell to work and I’ll blow off practice.”

Smiling, Penny knelt in front of the small plastic box and placed one hand on top of it.

“ **Ready player one** ,” Penny whispered, the words resonating through the small dorm room.  She glanced up to smile at Agatha.

“Shall we?”

It didn’t take long to get the system hooked up to the TV, and soon the two were sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the glowing screen.  There was a brief flicker and a burst of static, and then they were staring at an illustrated map of Watford and the word START in an ornate script.

“There’s a Watford game?” Agatha said.  Penny had clearly outdone herself with this spell if she’d found a way to create a game as well as fix the system itself.

Slowly Penny shook her head.

“I don’t think so.   _I_ didn’t make it.  The spell was just supposed to fix the console, but maybe it’s absorbed enough of the magic at Watford to create a _Sims_ type game?”

Agatha turned to look at Penny.

“You know about _The Sims_?”

Penny just rolled her eyes.

“Should we try it out?”

Instead of answering, Agatha snatched up a controller and hit the start button.

The screen transitioned to what looked like the generic interior of any of the Watford dorm rooms.  If you added in stacks of books and flung pixie glitter about, it could have been the room they were sitting in now.  A box with a cursor blinking in it stretched across the bottom of the screen, cutting off the bottom of one of the beds.

“I guess we need to create a character?” Penny said.

Agatha hit enter to see if any options or instructions would come up. An alphabet appeared overtop of the graphics. When she hit the up arrow, she saw the A light up. Hitting enter again took her to a list of names all beginning with A.

“You’re on the list!” Penny said, leaning forward to squint at the screen.  “All the names are students.”

It was a little unnerving to see her name there in glowing white; Agatha didn’t like the idea that someone could be sitting somewhere with a video game version of her, making the avatar do Merlin knows what.  She could only hope that this was the only version of the game in existence. Though, playing as herself...could be sort of exciting, in a way. What kinds of things could her avatar-self get up to?

She scrolled down until her name was highlighted and hit enter.

Almost immediately, a window popped up.

 

_You cannot play as yourself.  Please choose another character._

 

Penny laughed, snatching the controller out of Agatha’s hands and returning to the alphabet display.

“That’s what you get for your narcissism,” Penny said.  “Even this game knows you need to think about other people.  Now who are we going to pick?”

The two scrolled through the options for a few different letters. It wasn’t until they’d reached the letter T that the two shared a mischievous look.

“We’ve got to play as Baz, right?” Penny said.

Agatha thought back on all of her dates with Simon that Baz had ruined, either by making a mood-killing appearance or being the only topic of conversation that Simon could muster.  Only that morning, Agatha had been trying to get Simon to finally commit to a weekend where they could go riding--he'd been putting her off for ages, but when she’d pointed out how he’d begged off the last time so he could go to one of Baz’s football games, he’d started to give in.  And then, Baz had sauntered over. With one sneer he’d captured all Simon’s attention, leaving Agatha forgotten. After Simon had stormed off, Baz had just smirked at her, looking weirdly satisfied.

She didn’t care what sort of game this was, she already knew she wanted to see Baz look as ridiculous as possible.

Penny was looking at her oddly--Agatha realized she probably had quite a vicious glint in her eyes. Oh well.  “Do it,” she said, unable to keep the glee from her voice.

The name Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch glowed for a moment after Penny had hit enter, and then the text disappeared.  The dorm room they were staring at morphed from the generic one, becoming a little larger. Items appeared across the floor and the beds, and Baz was seated at one of the two desks.

“Wow,” Penny said, giving the screen an odd look.  “That looks _exactly_ like their room.”

Agatha turned to eye Penny suspiciously.

“How do you know what their room looks like?”

Penny fidgeted with the giant purple ring she always wore, her gaze not quite meeting Agatha’s.

“Oh, I think I saw a blueprint or something in the library one time…”

“Crowley, you’re a bad liar,” Agatha muttered.  “Let’s just see what the hell we’re supposed to do in the game.”

Through the TV’s speakers, they heard a knock at the door.  Baz glanced up and a small text box appeared at the bottom of the screen.

 

_Someone is at the door. What do you do?_

_(a) Answer it_

_(b) Ignore it_

_(c) Yell for them to piss off_

_(d) Spell the door locked_

 

“What do we do?” Penny said.  “What would Baz do?”

“I think the answer’s obvious--he’s a moody prat; choose (c).”

Penny scrolled down to option (c) and hit enter.  As soon as she’d done so, the avatar of Baz looked up from his desk--even here, Agatha could see his trademark frown--and yelled at the visitor.

 _“Piss off!”_ Baz shouted.

There was a muffled reply through the door.

 

_The person is not going away.  What do you do?_

_(a) Answer the door_

_(b) Ignore it_

_(c) Escape out the window_

_(d) Set something on fire_

 

Before Agatha had even had time to think about what she was doing, she’d snatched the controller away from Penny and had scrolled down to option (c).  Penny’s eyes went wide.

They watched Baz push himself up from the desk and walk over to the window, his hand reaching for the latch.  But instead of having the satisfaction of seeing Baz plummet down towards the merwolves, a new box popped up.

 

_You don’t have a death wish, and you’re not wearing a jacket._

 

Penny snorted.  “A jacket? Really?”

Below that was the same list of options, with (c) now greyed out. Agatha dropped down to (d) and hit enter.

 

_There is no fire safety equipment in your room.  Do you..._

_(a) Go find a fire extinguisher_

_(b) Answer the door_

_(c) Pout_

_(d) Spell the door locked_

  

“Well, we know ‘pout’ would be what the actual Baz would do,” Penny muttered.

Agatha agreed with her, but already she was starting to get bored.  All of the fun options seemed to be locked out, and she was getting tired of just staring at Baz as he hovered awkwardly near the bedroom window.  She wanted to see what else could happen.

She selected option (b).

Baz walked over to the door, flinging it open dramatically. Niall was standing there, his football bag thrown over one shoulder.

“You ready for practice?” Niall said.

 

_It’s time for football practice.  Do you…_

_(a) Follow Niall_

_(b) Do your homework instead_

_(c) Slam the door in Niall’s face_

_(d) Run away_

 

Agatha had sat through far more of Baz Pitch’s football matches than she had ever wanted thanks to Simon’s obsessive need to monitor his whereabouts at all times--there was no way she was going to watch him _practice_ , even if he _was_ fit in his football shorts with his hair pulled back. Instead, she hit (d).

Baz awkwardly shoved Niall out of the way and bolted down the hallway.  They could hear Niall’s confused voice calling after Baz, and then the thump of Baz’s shoes as he hit the staircase and started to run down.  Within a few minutes he was throwing open the door of Mummers’ House and racing across the lawn. He didn’t stop until he was halfway to the chapel.  Agatha cackled as they saw other students turning to look at Baz in confusion.

_This is more like it._

In the corner of the screen, two new metres popped up.  The red one looked to be close to full but the blue one was only at about a quarter.  Beside the metres, a dialogue box popped up.

 

 _You are hungry.  What do you do?_  

_(a) Go to the dining hall_

_(b) Yell at the sky_

_(c) Pout_

_(d) Set something on fire_

 

Agatha was halfway towards _set something on fire_ before Penny reclaimed the controller.

“Nothing is ever going to happen if you keep choosing the ridiculous options,” Penny said before she selected (a).

Baz set out across the campus towards the dining hall.  Occasionally he would wave at a few of the other characters he passed, people Agatha recognized as other students, but he didn’t stop walking until he was inside.

“The graphics in this game are incredible,” Penny muttered as the screen showed them the interior of the dining hall.

It was pretty amazing, Agatha had to admit.  The game had the dining room down to the exact placement of the tables, the way the service table was set up for afternoon tea.  At one of the tables, with a notebook set out in front of him and a scone halfway towards his mouth, there was even Simon.  It was actually a little weird to see Simon sitting on his own; he was one of those people that never seemed to have a problem striking up a conversation at school.

Penny and Agatha had Baz work his way down the table, filling a plate with scones and the small sandwiches that were always on offer.  Food ready, he turned to stare at the tables around the room.

 

_You need to sit down.  Where do you go?_

_(a) Go to an empty table_

_(b) Sit with the first years_

_(c) Sit with Simon_

_(d) Eat standing up_

 

Penny’s laugh was loud and surprisingly villainous before she scrolled down to option (c).  Agatha wondered if she’d been all wrong about Penny--she never would have thought her capable of doing anything against Simon, even if it was just an extremely realistic avatar of him.

As if sensing the direction of her thoughts, Penny looked over at her, a blush rising up in her cheeks. She was smirking.

“I thought...if Simon wants to talk about Baz all the time, well...let’s give Simon exactly what he wants.”

If Agatha had known about this side of Penny, she might have been more willing to hang out with her without having Simon there as a buffer.

She turned her attention back to the screen.  Baz had already taken his plate over to Simon’s table and had dropped it down in the spot opposite Simon.  Without saying anything, Baz pulled out the chair and sat down.

Simon glanced up, his face shifting between incredulity, aggravation, and suspicion.  There was even a smear of jam near the corner of his lip. The graphics really were amazing.

 

_How do you want to break the ice?_

_(a) Compliment Simon_

_(b) Give Simon a scone_

_(c) Brush jam off of Simon’s face_

_(d) Set something on fire_

 

What even are these options?” Agatha muttered.

Penny laughed, “Yeah, the choices do seem a little odd.  I don’t think the actual Baz is capable of doing anything nice for Simon.  I don’t know what to choose.”

“Just choose (c). That jam is really bothering me.  Even in the game, Simon is such a disaster.”

Option (c) selected, they watched Baz reach forward, his thumb brushing across Simon’s cheek to remove the jam.  She wasn’t sure if it was a glitch, but it seemed as though Baz’s touch lingered a second longer than it needed to.  This was seriously weird.

“Food is supposed to go in your mouth, you peasant,” Baz said.

Ok, that was more true to life.

Simon looked thunderstruck for a moment, and then his expression turned dark.

“What are you playing at?”

 

_Simon has asked you a question.  How will you respond?_

_(a) Compliment Simon_

_(b) Give Simon a scone_

_(c) Tell Simon to shut up_

_(d) Set something on fire_

 

Penny selected option (b).

Baz picked up one of the scones, dropping it onto Simon’s plate.

“Here.  I know how you like to constantly shove these into your face,” Baz said.

Simon stared down at the scone like it might be cursed.

“What the hell happened to you?  Did you wake up on the wrong side of your coffin?” Simon said.

Agatha was almost proud of game-Simon’s attempt at a comeback.

Again, a dialogue box popped up.

 

_Simon has chosen not to eat the scone. How will you respond?_

_(a) Compliment Simon_

_(b) Hand feed Simon the scone_

_(c) Cast_ **_Some Like It Hot_ ** _on the scone_

_(d) Set something on fire_

 

Penny had to set the controller down as she wiped away tears from her eyes, her shoulders shaking with laughter.

“Could you imagine actual Baz doing any of this?” Penny said.  “Setting something on fire seems about right, but everything else...I’m pretty sure he’d be quicker to punch Simon than compliment him.”

Agatha looked down at her watch, nodding vaguely.  The game definitely had a certain appeal, but she was starting to get bored, and she had things to do.

“Just choose (d).  I want to see if it will actually work this time.”

Nodding, Penny selected the last option.

Unlike the times before, there was no text box that followed the selection.  Instead they saw Baz narrowing his gaze until he was glaring at the scone on Simon’s plate.  In the bottom right hand corner, a purple meter had appeared, the bar of colour decreasing slightly as Baz muttered something under his breath.  There was a soft chime through the speakers and then the scone was engulfed in flames.

Simon jerked away from the flames. “What the fuck, Baz?”

But Baz had already pushed himself back from the table and was starting to walk out of the dining room.

“Well, that was anticlimatic,” Agatha grumbled. “I thought he’d at least set fire to something bigger.”

***

 

Simon stared at the space across the table that had only just recently been occupied by his roommate.  He could still smell charred scone, and there were scorch marks across his plate.

_What just happened?_

Was it possible for mages to randomly go crazy?  Or maybe this was a vampire thing.

All Simon knew was that in the space of three minutes, Baz had joined him in the dining hall, touched his face, insulted him--twice--given him a scone, and then set the scone on fire.

It had to be a plot...right?

Simon looked around the hall for Penny and Agatha, wondering what was keeping them from afternoon tea.  They weren’t going to believe him when he told them what had happened.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who left comments on the last chapter! Totally made our week and definitely pushed us to get the next chapter knocked out (we braved -40 weather to walk to the beer store so we could get into the right mood for some of the sections).

Penny and Agatha made it to the Dining Hall just as the serving table for afternoon tea was being cleared.  Agatha watched as Penny searched the room for Simon, but the only people still lingering over their empty plates and cups were a handful of first and second years.

“Shit,” Penny sighed.  “I was supposed to help Simon with his Greek.”

Agatha shrugged. “There’s still time before dinner. He’s probably around.”

Penny’s second sigh was even louder.

“Yeah.  I should probably go look for him.  He’s got to be in a right state about it; there’s a test tomorrow.”

Agatha could easily picture exactly how pitiful Simon must look at that moment.  Even with the subjects he was decent at, he became a ball of nervous energy before any test, and he was hopeless at Greek.  She was pretty sure he’d have better luck at getting along with Baz than passing that particular course.

“C’mon,” she said, gripping her bag tighter and turning towards the doors.  “He’s probably gone to the library to look for _you_.”

It didn’t take long before the two had crossed the campus and walked into the dusty twilight of the Watford library.  Agatha scanned the entry, wondering if it was too much to hope Simon had chosen one of the tables there; she had no interest in having to wander off into the stacks.  More than five minutes in the building and she tended to feel itchy.

Luck was with them--tucked into a corner with a notebook in front of him was Simon, a massive book at his elbow that could only be a dictionary and an expression of bewildered resignation on his face.

“Simon!” Penny called out.

A number of heads rose up to glare at Penny, and Ms Howard gave them both a dirty look, her finger rising to her lips as she hissed at them to be quiet.

There wasn’t a spell behind the words, but there may as well have been.

Agatha hunched her shoulders, picking up her pace, but Penny appeared to have no shame.  Instead she gave Ms Howard a cool nod before continuing to saunter over to Simon--if anything Agatha thought Penny might’ve _slowed_ her steps.  Agatha never had these problems when she was hanging out with the lacrosse girls.

As they approached Simon’s table, he finally looked up.  When his gaze settled on Penny, the tension disappeared from his broad shoulders and a smile lit up his face.

“Oh thank Merlin, Penny,” he said.  As if an afterthought he added, “Hey, Agatha.”

A year or two ago, Agatha might have felt put out that her presence barely registered to Simon, but she’d long since gotten used to it; if anything, it was a relief when she’d realized Simon and Penny’s bond meant that she was never on the hook to help Simon fight goblins or run errands for the Mage, or to listen to his endless rants about how Baz was a vampire.  Well...the last one she still had to suffer through, but nowhere near as much as Penny.

Penny craned her head, skimming over the notebook page covered in Simon’s messy scrawl.

“How much were you able to get done?” Penny asked.

“None of it,” Simon said miserably before glancing down and squinting at the page.  “I thought I got the first question, but...it doesn’t seem quite right…”

“Yeah…” Penny sighed, pointing. “You got the declension there wrong.”

Simon shoved his chair back from the table, slumping down.

“It’s not my fault! I tried to start during tea when you guys didn’t show up, but things got weird.”

“Weird?” Penny said.

There was a flutter of commotion before Simon could speak.  All three turned toward the sound to see one of the Mage’s swallows flying across the room.

“So much for studying,” Simon grumbled, already starting to stuff his notebook into his bag.

Penny rolled her eyes. “Does he not know there’s a perfectly good PA system?”

“It’s supposed to help him stay in touch with the roots of magic,” Simon said, though even he sounded a bit doubtful.

The bird landed on the back of the chair beside Simon, sticking out one leg.  With surprisingly deft fingers, Simon removed the note that was attached. He unfolded the note, reading it quickly before he pushed himself up to his feet.

“What’s it say?” Penny said.

Simon sighed, grimacing. “He needs to see me.”

“Now?  But what about your Greek?”

“It just says it’s urgent.”  Simon’s expression turned hopeful.  “Maybe he needs me to go off somewhere and I’ll have to miss the test.”

It was Penny’s turn to sigh.

“I don’t know which of you is worse,” she grumbled.  “How he can be headmaster and still think it’s okay to send you off whenever it suits him...my mother says--”

“I best get going,” Simon said, cutting Penny off.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Penny said.

Agatha felt like she deserved a commendation for the restraint it took to hold back a snarky comment, though she did give Penny an incredulous look.  Really, that girl needed to learn to take a step back and let Simon figure at least some stuff out on his own.

“No, I’ll be alright--I’ll find you later.”

With a final wave, Simon set off through the library.  Agatha couldn’t help but notice that Ms Howard didn’t glare at Simon as he made his way out.  Simon could probably fight a hydra in the library without getting told off; some days it was frustrating to be dating someone with that level of likability.

 _Of course_ , she thought, _it’s better to be with someone like Simon than an arrogant tosser like Baz…_

Though, truth be told, back before Simon had asked her out that first time, she’d rather fancied Baz.  And she had thought he might fancy her.  That year, she’d always caught him looking at her when she was in the Dining Hall with Simon and Penny, and after Agatha and Simon had become official he’d thrown something of a tantrum--if you could call pushing Simon down a flight of stairs a tantrum.

Letting her gaze wander, Agatha caught sight of Baz’s familiar dark head hunching over a book a few tables over.  He was poring over the thick tome like it held the keys to the universe.

After the time spent watching game-Baz do her bidding, it was odd to see him before her.  Images of the ridiculous tasks they’d had him do floated through her mind and she laughed quietly.

Baz glanced up, his face fixed in its customary haughty expression.

“Something amusing you, Wellbelove?” he said, his voice icy.

“Nope.”

Credit where credit was due, Baz was well fit.  He had the sort of sharp widow’s peak that would be fitting for the hero of a gothic novel, and a bone structure that would make any model envious.  

Penny leaned forward, a smirk on her face.

“Is that a book for Greek?” she said. “I wouldn’t think you’d need to study for that test.  Didn’t you once say that studying was for lesser mortals?”

Agatha looked down at the book in front of Baz, surprised to see that it was the same as the one Simon had been using just moments before.  It was a little odd to see Baz doing something so...ordinary...as study; Baz was the type of student you’d expect to see with stacks pulled from special collections around him as he devised a new spell, or did whatever it was the clever kids did.

Penny didn’t even wait for Baz to reply before she kept going, bearing down on him with the glee of a terrier after a rat.

“Worried that I’m going to take your spot at top of the class?”

Baz leaned back in his chair, his jaw angled so he managed to give off the appearance of looking down his nose at them.

“That would imply that either of you ever cross my thoughts, or that you have any use beyond your role as Snow’s obedient sidekicks,” he said.

Agatha’s cheeks went hot and her whole body started to buzz; beside her, Penny had gone tense, and Agatha could practically _hear_ her teeth grinding.

Agatha knew that she wasn’t the best magician in their year--she was actually okay with the fact that she'd only ever be little more than competent--it was the idea that people might write her off as nothing more than a footnote in Simon’s life that got to her.

 _Fuck that_.

Turning on her heel and tugging Penny after her, Agatha stalked out of the library.

“How do you feel about playing some more of that game?” she said through gritted teeth.

 

***

 

Once they were back in Penny’s room, it didn’t take long for them to get the game up and running.  Within minutes they were sitting cross-legged on the floor looking at the familiar map of Watford.

Agatha slammed the controller, selecting start.

Instead of taking them straight to the generic dorm room and the character selection process, the screen shifted to a perfect rendering of the first floor study area in the Watford Library.  Game-Baz was sitting exactly where they had left the real Baz; he even had a Greek dictionary in front of him.

“I guess once you’ve chosen a character it won’t let you change it,” Penny said.

Agatha hummed her acknowledgement. That was fine with her--the only reason she was ready to sink more time into this stupid game was to vent some of her frustration.  She intended to see what it would take to unlock some of those absurd actions.

Penny had risen up onto her knees and practically had her nose pressed to the screen.  Agatha could see the gears turning in the other girl’s head as she examined the new interior.

“This game is pretty amazing,” Penny murmured.  She finally sat back on her heels and looked over at Agatha, her eyes shining with excitement. “I think it might be pulling real-time information about the school when it reloads.”

“What do you mean?”

“When we finished earlier we left Baz outside of the Dining Hall.  Either the characters keep doing stuff after we leave them, or the spell figures out where they are and what they’re doing when it loads up.  Given where we just saw Baz, I think it might be the latter.”

Agatha wasn’t sure she liked the sound of that.  It was all well and good when it was someone else, but what if someone was playing as _her_? Or what if Baz had been in the loo?  She wasn’t sure if she could recover from that image.

“Whatever, I get it, you’re really smart, your spell is brilliant.  I just want to watch Baz make an arse of himself.”

Penny nodded, her ponytail swinging from side to side. It was purple this year--the exact shade of her ring. Agatha liked it, though she preferred the pink Penny had chosen in fourth year.

Turning her attention back to the screen, Agatha noticed that the blue meter was still showing in the top right corner.  In the time since they’d last played, it had dropped even lower.  Would make sense, she supposed, since Baz hadn’t actually eaten when they’d sent him to the Dining Hall.  The possibility of trying to starve Baz crossed her mind, but she discarded it as not entertaining enough.

“So, what do we do?” Penny said.

“I think the game is going to make us feed him before we can humiliate him,” Agatha said.

“Let’s see what’s in his pockets.”

“What?  You think Baz is going to have a ham sandwich in there?  He’s not Simon,” Agatha sneered.

“Just check.”

Agatha started to press random buttons on the controller, hoping to pull up some options.  The first button pulled up a rainbow of meters--Agatha made a note to check that out in further detail later--the second brought up a map of the school, and the third finally produced Baz’s inventory.

The list included: a wallet with fifty quid, chapstick, and a tin of mints.

Chuckling to herself, Agatha scrolled down to the mints and hit enter.  A window popped up.

 

_You have selected the tin of mints.  What will you do with them?_

_(a) Eat one_

_(b) Eat them all_

_(c) Throw them at other students_

_(d) Set them on fire_

 

It was so tempting for Agatha to choose one of the last two options, but in the interest of sorting out the stupid hunger meter, she chose (b).

Baz pulled the tin out of his pocket, opening it up and tipping his head back to pour the mints into his mouth.  He made a face as he chewed them, but he did swallow the lot.  The blue meter increased by one point.

 _Good enough_ , Agatha decided.  There was work to be done and they’d wasted enough time on this.

“Alright, what stuff can we do…” Agatha muttered as she pressed more buttons.

After a bit of button mashing, she managed to get Baz to pick up the dictionary.

 

_You have selected the Greek Dictionary. What will you do with it?_

_(a) Read it_

_(b) Make paper planes out of the pages_

_(c) Throw it at someone_

_(d) Set it on fire_

 

“What’s with Baz and setting everything on fire?” Penny said.

Agatha shrugged.  She actually could kind of understand it--if _she_ had the actual Baz’s ability with flames, she’d probably be tempted to set a lot more stuff on fire.  At the very least it would be a convenient way to get out of unpleasant situations.

She was giddy as she selected option (b).

For a moment, as she watched Baz look down at the book, his hands unmoving on the table, she thought a message was going to appear saying that the option wasn’t accessible.  Then, with a satisfying ripping noise, he tore out one page.  His fingers slid over the paper with crisp motions, creasing and folding until a plane was sitting in front of him.  As soon as it was finished, Baz picked it up and threw it at Ms Howard.

The plane sailed across the library and over the circulation desk, lodging itself into her helmet-like beehive.  This could not have gone better if Agatha had chosen it.

Ms Howard let out a small cry, whirling around as she snatched the plane out of her hair.  Her eyes darted around the room looking for suspects.  Agatha felt slightly bitter that the woman’s accusing gaze never once seemed to land on Baz.  Instead, she stormed over to where Gareth was laughing with some third year.

Too bad; it would have been satisfying to see Baz get told off.

At least it looked like some sort of alert had been triggered.  Just under the blue meter--which was really starting to annoy Agatha ( _we get it, Baz is hungry_ ) _\--_ there was a flashing exclamation mark.

“What in Crowley’s name is that supposed to be?” Agatha said.

“Some sort of warning, probably,” Penny mused.

“Well, obviously.  But a warning for what?”

Before Agatha could try using her foolproof button smashing method to figure it out, Simon had stalked over to Baz’s table.  He stopped just in front of Baz, his hands clenched into fists, and looked at his roommate like he’d just done something completely mental.

 _Like he’d just damaged school property and thrown something at a staff member_ , Agatha thought with a laugh.

This game was turning out to be as cathartic as she had hoped.

“Ok, what’s wrong with you?” Simon demanded.

 

_Simon has asked you a question.  How do you respond?_

_(a) Deflect the question_

_(b) Answer truthfully_

_(c) Cast “_ **_nothing to see here”_ **

_(d) Glare menacingly._

 

“Oooo,” Penny said.  “That’s tough.”

She had shifted about on the floor so she was stretched out, her face resting on her hands and her elbows on the floor.

“Comfy?” Agatha said.

“Not nearly enough.” Penny twisted around so that she was looking at her bed and called out “ **snug as a bug**.”  Her quilt lifted up off her bed, sweeping across the room to drape itself over her, and her pillow was quick to follow, nudging itself under her elbows.  “Much better.”

“Show off,” Agatha muttered.

“Hey, just say the word and I can do the same for you.”

Agatha was half tempted to take her up on the offer, but she wasn’t sure it was worth the hassle of getting Trixie’s pixie dust all over her.

“No, I’m good.”

“Suit yourself.”

The two turned their attention back to the options on the screen in front of them, but the window was already starting to fade away, leaving Baz just staring at Simon.

“Am I interrupting your plotting time?” Simon scoffed as Baz continued to sit silently.

Even through the speakers, Agatha recognized the tone of Simon’s voice as the one where he was close to kicking off.  She’d seen interactions like this enough to know that at any moment, something would trigger Simon and he’d try to throw a punch--pushed a little farther and he might go off, his chaotic magic doing something extreme.  Idly, she wondered how the game would choose to interpret that--maybe it would be less terrifying to watch knowing that it wasn’t real.

Agatha waited for another dialogue box to come up, giving them a chance to reply to Simon, but nothing appeared.  She could see Simon getting more and more wound up until he slammed his palms on the table in front of Baz, leaning forward until their faces were close.  If this weren’t just a game, Agatha knew Baz would be able to smell the smoky scent of Simon’s magic and feel it wicking off him.

“Aren’t you going to say something?  Usually you can’t get enough of your own voice.”

A new meter replaced the blinking alert.  Unlike the others, this one started near zero and was slowly increasing.

 

 _Simon is expecting a response. What do you do?_  

_(a) Stand up and walk away_

_(b) Pick a fight with Simon_

_(c) Kiss Simon_

_(d) Set something on fire_

 

It took Agatha less than a second to decide on an option, her eyes blurring with tears as she laughed. Scrolling down through the list, she selected (c).

“Mean,” Penny said, though Agatha noticed that she had a wide grin on her face.

 

_You still don’t have a death wish, and you’re not wearing chapstick._

 

“Why do they even have these options if I can’t choose them?” Agatha whined.

She still had things to do before supper, and they hadn’t been able to cause nearly enough chaos for her liking.  They needed to find a way to escalate this. Quickly.

Option (c) now greyed out, the only option that looked remotely promising was (b).  As soon as it was selected, the dialogue box vanished.

Game-Baz glared daggers at Simon, his mouth twisting up cruelly. “How do you expect me to behave, Snow?  I’ve got a roommate who can’t tell his face from his arse and who insists on stalking me everywhere on the pretense of some sort of neighbourhood watch. Maybe if you weren’t so keen to show the Mage what a big strong boy you are--”

Baz didn’t even get the chance to finish the sentence before Simon reached forward to grab him by the shirt collar and half-lift him from his seat.  The new meter had started to rapidly increase.

“Must be a frustration meter or something,” Penny said.

 _Good_ , Agatha thought as the meter went up another point. Maybe they should treat the game as seeing what it would take to max out that meter.

“Look you pretentious arsehole, _you’re_ the one that started it.   _You_ threw a scone at me.  And set the bleeding thing on fire!  Who fucking does that?  What did that scone do to you?”

“GENTLEMEN!” Ms Howard screeched at a very un-library like volume.  “ **Take it outside.”**

The girls could see the moment the spell took effect--both Baz and Simon’s limbs started to jerk into movement, forcing them to march puppet-like out of the library.  Only once they were on the outside steps did they stop.  Simon glared at Baz.

“Thanks for that.  I’ve got a test tomorrow.”

Without Penny and Agatha having to make a decision, Baz cooly lifted one eyebrow. “We both know that no amount of studying will help you pass Greek.”

It was incredibly satisfying to watch Simon’s fist close the distance between them and connect with Baz’s jaw, even if it did seem to only be a glancing blow.

 

_Simon wants to fight.  What do you do?_

_(a) Throw a punch_

_(b) Subdue Simon_

_(c) Use an offensive spell_

_(d) Use a defensive spell_

  

Largely because she just wanted to see Baz try, Agatha chose option (b).  This time, when Simon swung at him, Baz grabbed hold of Simon’s wrists.  Using his momentum, he then toppled forward until Simon was lying prone on the pavement with Baz on top of him, pinning him down.

 

_You have subdued Simon.  What do you do next?_

_(a) Gaze into Simon’s eyes_

_(b) Kiss Simon_

_(c) Smell Simon’s hair_

_(d) Stand up and walk away_

 

Beside Agatha, Penny had started to laugh hard enough that Agatha thought she might start having convulsions--Agatha herself was having trouble breathing through the fits of giggles.  The game better not lock out any of these options.

“What do I even choose?” Agatha said.

“I don’t know, but you’ve got to choose fast.  These are some good options and we don’t want them to vanish on us.”

Going with her gut, Agatha opted for (c).

Baz leaned in close to Simon until they were cheek to cheek, practically nuzzling Simon’s neck, and inhaled deeply.  Simon’s eyes went wide and he didn’t seem able to find the words to speak.

There was something about watching Baz make such an idiot of himself that soothed Agatha’s soul, particularly when the mysterious meter was ratcheting up.  If only there was a way for her to get this kind of revenge in real life.

 

_Congratulations!  You have won the fight.  You are entitled to one of Simon’s possessions.  Which will you choose?_

_(a) His wallet_

_(b) Pocket lint_

_(c) A slightly crushed ham sandwich_

_(d) A chewed up Ant-Man pencil_

 

Agatha snorted unattractively. “He was actually carrying a ham sandwich! Why couldn’t we have fought Simon earlier?”

“Well, we could still take it,” Penny chirped.

“No…” Agatha said slowly--she still hadn’t quite ruled out the possibility of letting game-Baz starve to death.  “Maybe his wallet?”

As soon as she’d selected that option, another box popped up.

 

_Sorry, Simon has no money._

 

Agatha shook her head. “Typical.”

Next, she chose (d).  At least she would have the satisfaction of knowing that Baz was going to be carrying literal garbage around.  There was a soft chime as Baz let go of one of Simon’s wrists, then reached down to fish the pencil out of Simon’s pocket.  The whole time, the meter at the top continued to rise, passing the halfway point. Abruptly Baz pushed himself up and off of Simon and started to run in the opposite direction.

 

***

Still a little shell-shocked, Simon watched Baz’s retreating back, marvelling a little at how damn fast the bastard could run.

How had things progressed from weird to...to whatever _that_ was?

Fighting with Baz was so frequent as to be unnoteworthy--Simon would never admit it, but it could actually be a decent way to blow off steam on bad days.  But Baz had gone way off script.

Simon’s hand drifted up to his neck.  He could still feel the heat of Baz’s breath, could still _smell_ the cool mintiness of each ragged exhale.  Had Baz finally been overcome by his vampire urges?  Had he nearly _fed_ on Simon?

But if that was the case, then what was up with Baz taking his pencil?

Where the hell was Penny when he needed her?  He desperately needed to talk this through and figure out what new plot Baz was enacting.  Though, he wouldn’t tell her about how he’d _let_ Baz keep him pinned down.  Even he wasn’t sure why he hadn’t summoned his sword or used his magic...it just hadn’t felt like he’d _needed_ to.

Doing what he did best, Simon pushed all those confusing thoughts out of his mind.  It was an hour until supper and he still had that test tomorrow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos!
> 
> Just a quick warning, things are going to start getting a little spicy in the next chapter (will be trying to keep the rating as is though). We have some plans *cue evil laugh*
> 
> On Tumblr at thewesterndoor


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for all of the lovely comments!! It was so nice to find out that other people find our ridiculous story funny. We've been having so much fun working on this fic :)
> 
> As mentioned in the end notes of the previous chapter, things have gone a little spicy (Agatha and Penny are going to get exactly what they deserve) though we've tried to keep things restrained.
> 
> This week's chapter was brought to you by radlers, light beer, port, and annoying the rest of the writers group as we cackled our way through the Saturday night writing session.

“That bastard can really leg it, can’t he?”

Agatha spared Penny a glance before turning back to the screen, where Baz was _still_ running.  After his fight with Simon they’d watched him bolt, and already he was halfway towards the drawbridge.  Agatha was hoping for the chance to have Baz throw himself in the moat. She could happily go to supper knowing they’d left game-Baz in a watery grave.

The thudding of Baz’s footsteps slowed until he’d stopped in the middle of the main pathway, his expression for once showing an emotion other than disdain.  In fact, if it was anyone _other_ than Baz, Agatha might have thought he looked bewildered.  He took a few halting steps forward and then spun around as if he was trying to decide where to go.

A new dialogue box popped up.

 

_You need to blow off steam after your fight with Simon.  What do you do?_

_(a) Practice drills at the football pitch_

_(b) Take a cold shower_

_(c) Throw things at the merwolves_

_(d) Set something on fire_

 

Agatha sighed over the options. She'd been hoping for some more of the entertaining ones, even if they never seemed to work.

“What should we choose?” she said, turning to Penny.

Penny’s response was to snatch the controller out of Agatha’s hand.  When Agatha tried to retrieve it, Penny just glared at her.

“You’ve had it for long enough--you’re not the only one who wants to make Baz look like a total tit.”

“Fair enough,” Agatha said, leaning back against the foot of Penny’s bed.  She waved towards the screen. “Go for it.”

“Obviously not (b),” Penny muttered as she started to scroll through the options.

Agatha couldn’t help but agree.  Fit or not, she wasn’t sure she wanted to see Baz without his kit on.  Or at least, not this way…

Option (a) went bold as Penny paused on it, her teeth worrying at her bottom lip.

“Ugh, not that one,” Agatha groaned.  “I don’t want to have to watch Baz play football.  Think of all the games Simon’s made you sit through--do you really want _more_ of that?”

“Well, we’ve already seen him set something on fire, so...merwolves, I guess?”

Agatha nodded. “At least it’s in character.”

Penny scrolled down and selected (c).

 

_What would you like to throw at the merwolves?_

_(a) Your wallet_

_(b) Simon’s chewed up Ant-Man pencil_

_(c) Pocket lint_

_(d) Go back to your room and find more things to throw_

 

Immediately Penny highlighted the pencil.

“Not that!” Agatha said.

“Well, what else are we going to throw?” said Penny.  “I hardly think throwing pocket lint at the merwolves is going to burn off Baz’s frustration.”

“Just, not that--we won it! It’s like...a trophy or something.”

“Are you that hard up for a trophy?” Penny asked with a lifted eyebrow, but she scrolled further down, selecting (d).

Baz started to walk across campus, keeping a brisk pace.  As he passed by groups of other students, one or two called out a greeting, but Baz walked past as if he hadn’t seen them.  Apparently once Baz was on a mission, he didn’t bother with anything else.

Finally he was back at Mummers House, throwing open the door to his bedroom.  The room was silent, a pair of socks on the floor and half a scone on the shared bedside table the only signs of Simon’s presence.  Once Baz had taken a few steps inside the room, another box popped up.

 

_What would you like to throw at the merwolves?_

_(a) Simon’s scone_

_(b) Simon’s textbooks_

_(c) Simon’s socks_

_(d) Simon’s chewed up Ant-Man pencil_

 

They started with the first item and worked their way down the list until they had reached the pencil, but with each item that plummeted down the side of the building and into the moat there didn’t seem to be any difference made to the meter.

“This is bullshit,” Agatha grumbled.

Penny didn’t seem too fazed.

“We’ll probably get another prompt.  Maybe it will have some better options.”

Almost as soon as she’d finished speaking, another box appeared.

 

_Throwing things at the merwolves wasn’t very effective.  What do you do next?_

_(a) Take a nap_

_(b) Take a cold shower_

_(c) Shrink Simon’s pants_

_(d) Set something on fire_

  

Agatha laughed as Penny selected (c).

“Really, Penny?  You’d do that to Simon?”

Penny shrugged.  “Not to real Simon, but here it might be funny.”

The two watched as Baz waved his wand in the direction of the dresser.

“ **Honey, I shrunk the kids** ,” Baz said, and Agatha thought there might have been a hint of a smile on his face.  But it still didn’t do anything for the meter--if anything, it looked like it might actually have gone up a couple of points.

“I just don’t understand the game mechanics,” Penny said, her voice distant as she squinted at the screen.  “If we’re currently supposed to be helping Baz get over his frustration, why won’t any of the options actually _do_ that? It’s like there’s something we’re missing.”

Agatha rolled her eyes.

“Or maybe Baz is literally just a child who needs a nap to get over his mood.  Just choose that--we have to go to dinner soon, and we can just leave him there for a while.  Maybe when we come back, it’ll be more interesting.”

“Okay…” Penny didn’t sound so certain, but she still selected (a).  She peered over at Agatha, a small smile pulling at her lips. “Don’t think I didn’t notice you said ‘when _we_ come back’.  For all your complaining, you totally love this.”

With a sigh and her practiced bored look, Agatha stared Penny down.  “Not at all.”

Penny’s smile grew broader.  “So you’re here for my sparkling company?”

Agatha was saved from having to respond when the two girls noticed Baz had stripped down to his pants and was walking over to his bed.  He pulled back the covers and crawled in, lying on his side and staring towards Simon’s bed.

“Merlin’s beard,” Penny muttered, “Who strips down to take a _nap?_ ”

“Whatever, can we just go now?” Agatha said, already starting to get up.

Nodding, Penny started to set down the controller, but another box appeared on the screen.

 

_You don't feel tired.  How will you get to sleep?_

_(a) Take an Ambien_

_(b) Drink some scotch_

_(c) Listen to light jazz_

_(d) Have a wank_

 

Shocked laughter forced its way up out of Agatha’s chest as she stared at the options.

“What the fuck?” she said, the horror causing her to slip into Normal curses.

Penny was rendered speechless, the controller still clutched in her hands and her body frozen midway from where she’d started to get up.  She turned to look at Agatha, an uncharacteristic look of helpless panic in her brown eyes.

“What do I _do?_ ”

“Well, we know what we’re _not_ doing.” Agatha reached forward, pulling the controller free from Penny’s hands and selecting (a).  There was no way they were going to let the decision time out on this and risk being stuck with option (d).

The words for option (a) went bold before another box popped up.

 

_You still remember what happened the last time you took Ambien, and so does Fiona.  You won’t make that mistake again._

 

When they were returned to the main box, the first option was greyed out.  Agatha quickly selected (b), praying to Methuselah that not every option would be locked out.

The girls breathed a sigh of relief as Baz fumbled beneath his mattress until he produced a silver flask.  He unscrewed the top and took a swig, but showed no signs of falling asleep.

 

_You still don’t feel tired._

 

A soft keening sound had started to fill Penny’s room, and when Agatha glanced over, Penny had her arms wrapped tightly around her middle and was rocking with her eyes shut tight.

“It’s fine,” Agatha said with a confidence she didn’t feel.  “There’s still the jazz.  I’m sure that will work.  Baz probably _loves_ jazz.”

As soon as the screen returned to the options, she quickly selected (c).

 

_Normal technology is banned at Watford, and you despise light jazz._

 

Agatha stared unblinkingly at the cursive that glowed across the screen.

“Maybe if we just leave it?” she said.

“Yes! Let it time out!”

Penny had lifted her hands up to cover her eyes, but Agatha could see her peering through her fingers at the screen.  Clearly she couldn’t quite look away either; it was like watching an accident in slow motion--no matter how horrifying you knew it was going to be, it was impossible to not watch.

Instead of returning to the original dialogue box, this time it went to the one with the mysterious meter, a hair’s breadth from full, front and centre.  Below it was a new prompt.

 

_You have chosen to have a wank.  What will you think about?_

_(a) Being dominated by Simon_

_(b) Simon in the shower_

_(c) Simon dressed as Thor for the seventh year Halloween party_

_(d) Simon going off on the chimera_

  

For the first time, at the bottom of the box Agatha could see a small down arrow.  With a horrified fascination, she selected it, revealing a whole other set of options.

 

_e) Simon playing football with his shirt off_

_f) Simon breathily saying your name_

_g) Simon practicing with his sword_

_h) Loki being dominated by Thor_

 

Agatha pressed the down arrow one more time.

 

_i) Kissing Simon’s freckles_

_j) Simon joining you in bed_

_k) Cuddling with Simon_

_l) Having a picnic on the lawn with Simon_

 

The arrow seemed to lead to more pages, but Agatha didn’t have the heart--or the stomach--to continue.  She tossed the controller down on the floor and stomped over to the game console, slamming down on the power button.

“Let’s just...let’s just go,” Agatha said.

It was almost time for supper and she needed to be as far away from the game as she could get, trying to repress what she had seen.

Penny nodded vacantly, and the two walked out of the room.  As they headed down the stairs, Penny looked over at Agatha, her lips pursed as if to speak.

“Do you…” Penny said, her voice soft before she trailed off.

“What?”

“Do you think Baz is in love with Simon?”

That had Agatha stopping halfway down the stairs to turn around and glance up at Penny a few steps behind her.

“Baz?  Simon’s mortal enemy?  The person who has been plotting his downfall for literal years?”

Penny adjusted her glasses.

“Well…” She looked as though she was going to continue before she heaved a sigh.  “It’s just...think about what we just saw.”

“In a game.”

“But we know that the game pulls at least some real time information.  What if it pulls people’s motivations to create a playable character?”

Agatha’s thoughts flashed to the incredibly long list of Baz’s fantasies, and the one common denominator, before she shoved those down.

“Don’t be daft.  Baz has always been interested in _me_.”

Penny’s response was to lift a single eyebrow.  Agatha could feel warmth gathering in her cheeks.

“Come on.  We’re going to be late and I’m hungry.  Let’s just get going.”

 

***

 

Baz straightened his clothes as he got ready for dinner, still trying to figure out what had come over him today.  All day he’d felt cloudy and drifting, rather like the previous Christmas when Fiona had stolen a few bottles of his father’s champagne and shared them with him.  But with less karaoke, and somehow even _more_ horrible decisions.

What had he been thinking?  He knew better than to get into a physical fight with Snow.  But he hadn’t been able to stop himself--instead, he’d given over to those urges that he kept bottled up and locked away.  And then what had happened after...

His skin prickled with mortification as he thought about how he’d sniffed Snow’s hair, though he still felt a burn of residual heat at the memory.  He hadn’t thought he’d ever be comforted by the fact that Snow was an oblivious idiot.  The dolt probably thought it had been another one of Baz’s plots, or that he’d been about to feed on him, but really Baz had given in to an impulse he’d been fighting since that moment in fourth year--the year that Simon had started to fill out--when Simon had tackled him during PE and Baz had caught the scent of his apple shampoo and felt…

Baz had to forcibly pull his thoughts back in line, otherwise he’d be back in his bed and...nope, he would _not_ be having a repeat of the last half hour.

If it wasn’t for the counterspells the faculty had cast when the spell had first become popular, Baz might have thought that someone had cast **YOLO** on him.  Certainly the loss of inhibitions, the way he’d acted on all of the things he _wanted_ to do (but never could as a Pitch), seemed to fit the spell’s effects.

He glanced at the clock and muttered a curse.  He wanted nothing more than to skip dinner and hide out in his room--who knew what other ill-advised things he might do--but he was scheduled to serve that night, and more importantly, Pitches didn’t hide.

Squaring his shoulders and promising himself that he’d get to the bottom of this after the evening meal, Baz set off.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks again for the lovely comments. It's really meant so much to us to hear from you guys!
> 
> This is our last proper chapter, but there will be an epilogue to follow (and possibly some sequel one-shots). Same warning about things getting a little suggestive applies.
> 
> Chapter was brought to you by half a bottle of wine, a variety pack of beer, and raspberry and blackberry crisp.

Supper was already underway by the time Penny and Agatha snuck into the Dining Hall.  Across the room, Simon was waving at them and gesturing towards the two seats he had saved.

Agatha trailed after Penny and slipped into the empty seat beside Simon while Penny took the one across the table.

“Where have you been?” Simon demanded around a mouthful of roast beef.  “I looked for you in the library but you were gone.”

“You were in the library?” Penny said.  Her tone had taken on a funny pitch and Agatha could practically see wheels turning.

“Yeah, the Mage just wanted to find out if I knew the bus schedule for Piccadilly, so I went straight back to the library after.”

“He wanted to know a _bus schedule_?” Agatha said.

Simon nodded, pushing more beef into his mouth.

“But...why would he think you would know that? And can’t he just...google that?”

Simon just shrugged. “He’s called me in for weirder questions.”

Instead of eating her own meal, Penny was carving canals into her mash, pushing it from one side of the plate to the other.  She looked up, her gaze intent on Simon.

“Did you see Baz when you were in the library?”

Eyes wide, Simon actually set down the fork that was halfway to his mouth.

“You know how I said weird stuff happened earlier?  It got even weirder!”

Agatha wasn’t sure she liked the way Penny’s eyes brightened, and she definitely didn’t like the familiar intense tone in Simon’s voice that let her know he was about to launch into a speech about his favourite topic. Simon barely paused to take a breath before he was off.

“I was just minding my own business during tea this afternoon and Baz swaggered over, gave me a scone, and then set the thing on fire.”

“What? That’s crazy,” Agatha said, her tone dull. She was only half hearing what Simon had said.

Agatha had learned early on that it was best to engage in Simon’s rants about Baz as little as possible.  The barest signs of interest could keep him going for hours.  She and Penny had made a pact in fourth year not to indulge him--not that it’d had much effect.

“Was there anything else that happened?” Penny urged.  She ignored Agatha’s glare, one hand waving dismissively in her direction.

_Betrayal!_

“It got so much weirder!”

Agatha rolled her eyes and muttered, “You need a different word.”

Two frowns turned on her before Simon went back to his story.

“After I went back to the library I caught Baz throwing a paper airplane at a teacher, and then we ended up fighting, and I think that he might have…” An odd look crossed Simon’s face, a blush rising up. “And then he...we...he was so close and…”

With each word of Simon’s rambling story, Agatha felt a prickling across her neck, the details weighing down her thoughts until she couldn’t tune him out.

Was it possible that _they_ had done this?  Had Penny’s stupid spell done more than create a game?

A sick heat suffused her body, and Agatha suddenly felt as if everything was too tight--her clothes, her skin, those stupid details of Simon’s story.  She went to a great deal of effort to avoid ever feeling guilty--about anything--and she felt a flare of anger at the wash of guilt that was flooding through her now.

She ignored the pointed looks Penny kept shooting her and calmly took a bite of her broccoli.  There was no point in jumping to conclusions--not without evidence.

Strange things were _always_ happening at Watford.  So far, she hadn’t heard anything that couldn’t be explained with the use of **YOLO** and maybe a prescient spell.  For all she knew, the game simply gave them a snapshot of what was to come--they didn’t know that any of those events had happened _while_ they were playing.

Just like that, the tension in Agatha’s chest loosened.

Loud footsteps sounded behind them as Gareth came to stand beside Simon, clapping a hand on Simon’s shoulder.

“Alright mate?” Gareth said. “You’re in Greek II, right?”

Simon’s smile was strained as he turned to look at Gareth and nodded.

“Yeah.  Tried to study for that sodding quiz tomorrow, but things kind of got in the way.”

Gareth’s laugh boomed across the hall and people looked up from their suppers to see what was happening.

“I saw that.  Totally mental.  Anyways, Greek--I had the quiz today and it was brutal.  Thought I’d give you a quick word of warning. It was all those bloody cases.”

Simon moaned, dropping his head down to the table.

“Maybe I should’ve let Baz feed on me earlier.  Dying of blood loss or being forced into becoming his vampire bride has to be better than writing that test.”

Penny awkwardly reached across the glasses and gravy boat, the cuff of her jumper trailing through Simon’s peas as she patted his shoulder.  Agatha had a moment of wondering whether it should have been her who comforted him, but she was not prepared to indulge his hysterics.

“It’ll be fine,” Penny said reassuringly.  “We can go and cram for it now.  I’ll get the flashcards and coloured pens.”

Across the table Penny gave Agatha a significant look, her mouth moving as if she expected Agatha to lip-read.  At Agatha’s cool returned gaze and raised eyebrow, Penny huffed.

“We’ll talk later,” she whispered.

Simon was still deep enough in his own misery that he didn’t catch their exchange.

Agatha just shrugged.  With her afternoon spent on Penny’s game, she had enough things of her own to catch up on before classes the next day.

 

***

 

If Agatha had to see another topographical map of Lisbon she was going to scream. Last year in Intro to Geography, before the half term holiday, Ms Rembrandt had spent _weeks_ showing them maps of Benidorm, insisting they all look into the climate, resources, urban planning--anything that might remotely be related to geography.  This year, it was shaping up to be the same thing for Portugal--guess she knew where Ms Rembrandt was taking her half term holiday.

All around the room, other students wore expressions that ranged from dazed to desperately bored.  The only student who was paying any attention was Baz…

Or not.

Instead of his usual diligence, Baz’s gaze was directed down to something on the desk in front of him.  One long, pale finger was rolling the object up and down, and the way he was looking at it was… almost fond.  His eyes were soft, and there was even a small smile on his lips--not just a smirk, or something cool and contemptuous, but an honest-to-Merlin smile.

Agatha craned her neck, trying to catch a glimpse of the mystical object that had the power to give Baz Pitch something approaching human emotions.

He scooped the item up, cradling it in one hand, finally allowing Agatha a glimpse at what it was.

Her blood went cold.

Staring out at her from the small object in Baz’s hand was the ageless face of Paul Rudd, his forehead slightly misshapen from what looked to be teeth indentations.

 _Oh_ fuck _no._

There was no way she was currently watching Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch staring longingly at a chewed up Ant-Man pencil.  The same bloody pencil that game-Baz had won in his fight with Simon.

Gently, Baz set the pencil back down on his desk and glanced around the room, his expression becoming furtive.  

 _Understandable_ , Agatha thought.  Nobody in their right mind would want anyone to suspect they had a weird thing for Ant-Man, even if Paul Rudd _was_ aging ridiculously well.

She quickly turned her focus down to the half-finished horse she’d drawn in lieu of notes, keeping it there until she was sure Baz had looked away.  When she finally looked back up, something else had claimed his attention, though he still had that soft look on his face.  She followed his line of sight, eager to uncover what other strange things Baz was into, only to find her gaze landing on Simon.

Moving in her seat, she tried to see around Simon, desperate to figure out what Baz was looking at.  Except, the only thing she could see was the bare wall.

_Is he looking at Simon?_

That thought seemed so absurd that Agatha nearly rejected it right away, but Penny’s words from the day before haunted her.  And if Baz had the same pencil from the game, then that had to mean that everything else they’d done had been real.

_Great snakes, those pages of options when he was about to…_

She refused to follow that thought to its conclusion.  She’d barely escaped the situation without lasting trauma as it was.

The remainder of the class passed in a haze as Agatha rethought every interaction she’d ever witnessed between Baz and Simon, trying to figure out how long this had been going on.  By the time the bell rang, she’d concluded that Baz had been fancying Simon since fourth year at the very least.

As the students filed out of the classroom, Agatha hung back, grabbing hold of Penny’s arm.  She waited until they were the only two left before turning to her and hissing, “Penny, Baz is in love with Simon.”

“You _just_ figured that out?”

Agatha’s mouth twisted into a grimace.

“Shut up, you didn’t realize it until that stupid game of yours,” she snapped, though there wasn’t any real heat behind it.

Penny gave her a sympathetic smile, patting Agatha’s hand where it was still clutching at the sleeve of her jumper.

“Now we need to decide what we do about it.”

 

***

 

Lunch arrived and neither girl had been able to decide what to do about Baz.  All through Ancient Magical History they had passed notes back and forth, Penny insisting they tell Simon everything while Agatha had remained steadfast--there was no way they could _ever_ tell Simon what they’d seen.

It was in contemplative silence that they crossed the campus to the Dining Hall and joined the crowd of students making their way to lunch.  All through finding seats and filling their plates, Penny and Agatha were unusually quiet, though Simon gave no signs of noticing. Instead, he was off on a rant about how Baz had adjusted the part of his hair, which was clearly a sign of an impending plot.

After hearing Simon wax poetic about the sinister yet lustrous quality of Baz’s hair, an odd thought popped into Agatha’s head.  She set her fork down, sitting up and focussing her gaze on Simon.

“Simon,” she said slowly, hardly daring to put voice to the dawning realization, “Are you in love with Baz?”

Simon spat his orange squash out across his plate, giving his ruined meal a quick look of heartbreak before he turned his attention back on Agatha.

“What...why would you...fuck…” Simon spluttered, his cheeks bright pink.  “Not bloody likely--we’re _enemies_.”

Across the table, Penny was slowly nodding her head.

“Yeah,” she said.

Simon gave her a grateful smile.

“I think you’re right, Agatha,” she continued.

“What?” Simon bellowed.

Students all around the hall looked over, and seeing Simon angry, a few ducked down under their tables--clearly they remembered what had happened last time.

“It makes sense,” Penny persisted calmly.

“Right?” Agatha said.

“In what world does it make sense?” Simon said, his attention bouncing between the two of them.

“Well, for a start, you’ve been to every single one of Baz’s football games.”

“I like football!  I like to support the _team_.  And I need to make sure he doesn’t get up to anything shady.  The Mage always says that constant vigilance is the only way to win the war,” Simon said.

Penny rolled her eyes at the mention of the Mage.

“You talk about him all the time,” Agatha continued.  If she looked back on all of the conversations she’d had with Simon where Baz was the topic, it would be...her brain struggled to come up with a number that vast, but she knew it was a lot.

“Because he’s my _enemy_ \--”

“Simon,” Penny said, cutting him off mid-argument.  “You took him to the winter formal last year.”

“Wait, what?” Agatha said.

At the same time, Simon had grown even more flustered.  “I didn’t take him, I just sort of...followed him there.”

“You told me you weren’t going!” Agatha hissed.  She'd hinted for a bleeding month that she wanted to go, but Simon had said he was too busy with all the errands he needed to run for the Mage.

A panicked look flared up in Simon’s eyes.

“I wasn’t planning on it, but when I found out Baz was going...He’d dressed up really nice, and I had to make sure that he didn’t use his vampire powers on another student at the dance.  So I went and I kept him occupied.”

“Sounds like a date to me,” Penny said with a smirk.  “Admit it, you’ve thought about it.”

Simon’s eyes widened and he leaned in close to the table, his voice dropping to a whisper.

“You promised you would never mention the dream.”

“What dream?” Agatha said.

Penny looked over at her, a smile twitching on her lips.

“Simon had a romantic dream about Baz.”

“The internet says it’s really common to have dreams about your roommate,” Simon said.  “Apparently it’s just another way for your brain to process all sorts of unresolved feel--”

He cut himself off mid sentence, a stunned expression on his face.

“Oh shit,” he whispered. “Do I have a thing for Baz?”

Before either of them could respond, he'd scraped back his chair and launched himself up the aisle between their table and the next.  He didn’t stop walking until he was hovering over Baz.

The other table was too far for them to hear anything over the din of the other students eating, but they had a good enough view to see everything.

Simon said something to Baz, and then when Baz had given the first year beside him a terrifying look that made him scurry off, Simon sat down in the vacant seat.  The two spoke for a few moments, and then Simon leaned forward.

One of his hands lifted to cup the side of Baz’s face while the other was clenched into a fist on the table.  Slowly, Simon moved closer until his face was inches away from Baz. When Baz didn’t pull away, didn’t cast a spell or look like he was about to set Simon on fire, Simon closed the distance, pressing his lips to Baz’s.

From where Agatha was sitting, the kiss looked remarkably chaste, but when Simon finally pulled away Baz looked stunned.  Gone was his usual expression of indifference, and instead he looked… Agatha didn’t know what that look was, but she’d definitely never seen it on Baz.

Simon said a quick word, then got up and walked back to Penny and Agatha.  The whole time he was walking, Baz’s gaze never left him.

Throwing himself back into his seat, Simon said, “So, I’m definitely into Baz.”

 

***

 

“We’ve got to tell Simon about the game.”

Penny’s arms were folded across her chest as she glared across her room to where Agatha had sprawled out on her bed.

“No.”

“What do you mean _no_?  Things seem to be getting serious between Simon and Baz.  Don’t they deserve to know about our role in things?” Penny said, her voice getting louder with each word.

“I meant what I said.  What’s the point?  They seem happy enough, and telling them now will only mess that up.”

Penny shook her head.

“Wait, where is this coming from?  I thought you’d be upset that your boyfriend left you for his sworn enemy.”

Agatha lifted her head up from the pillow enough to make sure Penny could see her rolling her eyes.

“Simon and I had a talk.  It’s fine.  And to be honest, Simon was a lot of work.  I think I’m happier letting Baz take that on.  It’s liberating being Simon’s friend without having to be his girlfriend as well.”

“That’s...surprisingly mature of you.”

“Hey!” Agatha said, before throwing Penny’s pillow across the room.  It only went a few feet before it landed on the floor, Penny untouched.

Penny walked over to the bed and sat down near Agatha’s feet.  Pulling off her glasses, she pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed.

“Maybe you’re right,” Penny said, the words sounding as though they were physically hurting her.

“What was that?  I don’t think I quite heard you.”

Penny glared at her, shoving Agatha’s feet off the bed.

“You’re right.  Based on how things played out, it seems reasonable to assume that nothing we did was completely outside of what Baz himself _wanted_ to do--except maybe the mints--and we just...gave him a bit of a push.  Best not to muddy the waters too much for Simon.”

“Good,” Agatha said.

Her attention drifted across the room to the television and game console that were still set up on the floor.

“So who are we going to play as next? I got this brilliant idea last night about what we could do with Gareth--”

“No!” Penny snapped.  “We can’t play the game anymore.  Not now that we know it has real consequences.”

Agatha shoved one of her feet against Penny’s ribs.

“C’mon, don’t tell me you haven’t thought about what you could make the Mage do.”

A sinister smile stretched across Penny’s face, but she quickly shook it off.

“No, not possible.  We have to destroy it.”

“But what about your May Bank Holiday gift?  If you destroy it then you won’t have a gift for Simon.”

That actually seemed to give Penny a moment of real pause before she sighed heavily.

“It’ll be fine.  If I get Simon a scone he’ll be happy.  Plus, there’s no way he’s going to keep up his side--all he’s talked about this past week has been Baz.  I think he’s incapable of turning that off for five minutes, let alone a whole day.”

Agatha watched as Penny got up and walked over towards the console.  She crouched down in front of it and gave it a long look before turning back to Agatha.

“How do I destroy it?  Do you think stepping on it would be good enough?  Or should we throw it in the moat?”

Rolling over onto her side, Agatha pushed herself up until she was sitting.  She shrugged her shoulders.

“I don’t know.  You’re the one who created the spell in the first place.  Maybe just smash it to bits?” Agatha offered.

Penny nodded.  “Yeah. That sounds good.”

She was halfway towards grabbing the hammer on her desk--Agatha assumed it probably had something to do with Simon--when all of the lights went super-bright and the room filled with the crackle and snap of electricity.  Agatha could smell smoke.   _Simon_.

All the lights went dead. And not just the lights--the electronics as well.  On the floor, a plume of smoke was creeping out of the plastic casing of the game console.

“Well, I guess that takes care of that problem,” Agatha laughed.

Penny looked between the game console and Agatha, then marched towards the door.

“Where you going?” Agatha called after her.

“To check on Simon.  If he released enough power to stretch to all the way to the Cloisters, I should go make sure he’s okay.”

 

***

 

Simon buried his face in the pillow in embarrassment.

 _Bad decision,_ he decided.  It was Baz’s pillow and all he could smell was Baz’s posh soap, threatening to pull his thoughts back into dangerous territory.  He felt Baz’s laughter from beside him, followed by the soft touch of cool fingers on his shoulder.

“Well, that was unexpected,” Baz said, still chuckling.

Simon turned his face enough that he could glare at his roommate.

The bastard didn’t look repentant at all.  If anything, he looked smug, smirking at Simon as he pulled him in closer against his side.

“It’s never happened before,” Simon muttered.

Glancing around the room at the shattered bulbs and fried contraband electronics, Baz laughed again.

“I figured.  Would’ve noticed if this sort of thing had happened before.  I guess I should be flattered.”

“Too right,” Simon said, before he realized that he shouldn’t enlarge Baz’s already overinflated ego.

Baz leaned closer, his fingers skating down Simon’s spine, and then pressed a kiss to Simon’s neck.

“You want to see if we can make it happen again?”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who are wondering what happened after Penny got to Simon's room.
> 
> Penny walked into her room, closing the door softly behind her. Her face was blank, and her eyes held the look of someone who'd just witnessed the devastation of the Humdrum.
> 
> "Hey, is Simon okay?" Agatha said.
> 
> Penny visibly flinched. "No problem."
> 
> "But what happened to set him off?"
> 
> "Nothing. NOTHING. Just...can we never talk about this evening again? Ever?"
> 
> ***
> 
> Thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos!! :)


	5. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has been following along, and to those leaving us comments! We've had so much fun with this fic.
> 
> The epilogue is brought to you by Prosecco, a very polarizing bottle of red wine, and a tipsy trifle.

“I would stay away from that punch if I were you.”

Agatha glanced down at the fluorescent orange drink in her hand and back up at the Robin Hood who had sashayed his way towards her.  In the five months since their year had finished and left Watford, Gareth hadn’t changed a bit.

“Someone cast **Three Sheets to the Wind** on it?” Agatha said as she set the red plastic cup down on a nearby Ikea shelf amidst Trixie's half-hearted attempts to decorate for Halloween.

Gareth shook his head, the feather on his hat waving.

“No, I’m just pretty sure that Keris mixed Irn-Bru and a bottle of vodka together and decided it was close enough.”

“Oh, uh, well...thanks,” Agatha said, hoping that he and his ridiculous costume would vanish as quickly as they’d appeared.  She wasn’t in the mood to humour his advances--she was pretty sure Gareth would flirt with a coat rack if he was drunk enough.

Why had she let Penny talk her into coming in the first place?

Instead of leaving, Gareth came closer, leaning one arm against the wall beside her and moving in close enough that she could smell the fog of his aftershave.  She would have thought he’d have learned by now that he didn’t have to bathe in Axe.

“So, uh, you’re looking really good tonight.”  His gaze drifted up and then down, and Agatha had to resist the urge to roll her eyes.

“It was something I had lying around,” she said, looking past Gareth and scanning the crowd.

_Where is Penny?_

“Oh yeah?” His voice was a little breathy as he spoke, his attention lingering on her form-fitting leotard and the tights-clad legs beneath her tutu.

Merlin’s pants _._ Just what she needed.  Discovering Gareth had a thing for ballerinas and that she’d just given him some new spank bank material had not been on tonight's agenda.

“So...” she said, her voice sweet, “You thought you’d dress up like the Mage?  Kind of poor taste if you ask me.”

Gareth choked on his beer, his face going a vibrant red.

“I’m Robin Hood!”

“Oh, of course you are.” Agatha tried not to smile.

“No, really.  I am!  Rhys is somewhere around dressed up as Little John!”

“Uh huh.  I’m sure he is.”

Gareth’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times like a fish gasping for air before he turned on his heel and slunk back into the crowd.

“Did you have to be so mean?” Penny’s voice came from just over Agatha’s shoulder, and she quickly twirled around.

“Uh, wow, that’s a, uh…” Agatha struggled to find the right words to describe Penny’s costume.  “You decided to go with Anne of Green Gables?”

Penny looked down at her old-fashioned dress, complete with puffed sleeves, and then back up.

“What?”

“It’s just… not really what I’d expected you to wear for your first uni Halloween party.”

“But this is a great costume!”

“Well, you’ve certainly committed to it.”

In addition to her dress, Penny had drawn freckles across the bridge of her nose, and her hair was the same red as first year, styled in two plaits.  Agatha hadn’t expected her friend to show up in something that said ‘primary school play,’ but the hair was pleasantly nostalgic.

“Any sign of Simon or Baz?” Penny asked, her gaze already sweeping around the crowded sitting room.

“Late.  As per usual.  How long before we leave?”

Penny pouted.

“You promised!  You already turned down all of my ideas for a couples costume--”

“Because we’re grown ups.  And not a couple.  You can’t _really_ have wanted to go as eggs and bacon.”

“These are my prime costume-wearing years, and I don’t want to miss out on it just because Micah’s in America.”

Agatha sighed.

“We are really going to have to talk about your priorities,” she said.  “Next girls’ night, instead of GBBO or Drink-and-Drive _Mario Kart_ , we are going to have a _proper_ girls’ night.  Bottle of prosecco.  Foam party at a club.  Dancing with strangers.  Proper.”

“Ugh, do we have to?” Penny said as she wrinkled her nose.

“Don’t even start with me.  Last time you made me watch _Suffragette_ AND that weird French show about the clown who bakes.  In the same night.  You owe me.”

“They were very highly reviewed.”

“By critics or audiences?” Agatha said with a pointed look.

“Aren’t they the same thing?”

Agatha leaned back against the wall, the tulle of her skirt scrunching up against her body, and sighed.

“Just keep an eye out for Gareth.  And stay away from the punch.”

With a knowing nod, Penny said, “Oh yeah, **Three Sheets to the Wind** again, huh?  Would’ve thought they learned their lesson at the leaver’s ball.”

“Close enough.”

Across the room, there was a break in the crowd and a small murmur before two figures pushed their way through.  One was wearing a long blond wig and rubbery armour with a cape that looked like a spare sheet snatched from the linen closet, and carrying a hammer.  The other was wearing a long black wig with an elaborate horned helmet.  Thor and Loki caught sight of the two girls and made their way over.

“Oh Crowley, really?” Penny whispered, the horror clear in her voice.

Memories of the extensive list of Baz’s fantasies came back to Agatha in a vivid rush.

“You don’t think...they weren’t late because…” She could even get the rest of the words out.

Penny shook her head.

“No.  Simon was working until late.  They wouldn’t have had the time.”

“Wouldn’t have had the time for what?” Simon said, setting his hammer down beside his feet and pushing hair out of his face.

“Nothing.  Hey, didn’t you wear this last year?” Penny said, her voice too bright.

Simon gave her a curious look, but appeared willing to move on.

“Baz suggested that I bring it back.  He said that it would make a great couples costume.”

Agatha, who had decided that risking the punch was better than staying sober for this, choked on her drink.

“I’m sure he did,” she said through gasps.  “Not sure about them as a couple though.  Aren’t they brothers?”

Baz glared at her.

“Not technically,” he said icily.

“If you have to use the word ‘technically’ to make something okay, I’m fairly certain it’s not.”

Simon laughed, wrapping one arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders.  He leaned in close and pressed a kiss to Baz’s cheek.  Even with the months that the two had been together, Agatha still found it fascinating to see the way Baz blushed at all of Simon’s casual touches.  If it were anyone else, she would have called it cute.

“We’re just dropping by--told Gareth I’d make an appearance--and then we have, uh...plans,” Simon said.  This time it was him who blushed, and the two boys shared a look.  Agatha didn’t miss the way Simon’s thumb traced back and forth over Baz’s wrist.

It was shocking that even after five months of dating Baz, Simon still hadn’t learned to be a better liar.

Before either she or Penny could say anything, Simon and Baz hurried off.

“They’re going to…” Agatha didn’t want to finish that thought.

Beside her, Penny nodded, her expression somewhere between pleased at Simon’s obvious happiness and horrified at what uses those costumes would get.

“Can we just go? Please?” Agatha said.

Already, Gareth was eyeing the two of them up across the room again and starting to shimmy over.

Penny reached out to snatch a bottle of wine off the nearby drinks table, then jerked her chin towards the door.

“C’mon, let’s go to the chippie.”

“ _Finally_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While this is the epilogue for this fic, we do have plans to do one or two one shots as we get inspired (and have the time). I (thewesterndoor) also have some other snowbaz projects in the works, though they will almost certainly be going up a rating. Updates for projects tend to get posted on my Tumblr thewesterndoor.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos!!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr at thewesterndoor


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